Two years and 9 days ago, my beautiful daughter died. Two years and 9 days ago my world fell apart, and time has changed little. There are still no days without tears, NOT A SINGLE DAY. That means I have cried for 739 days consecutively, and there appears to be no end in sight to that.
Yes, I look “better” as I “appear” to be living life, but few know what thoughts run through my head or what pains I feel in every part of my body. Few know the anxiety that now envelopes my life each day and the terror that overcomes me when I fully realize that we picked out a casket for our girl, stroked her hair and kissed her cold cheek before we put her in the ground, and can’t hold her in my arms. Few understand the inability to breathe each time I do something with anyone else that I know I can’t do with Melinda. The feeling that I’m going to lose my mind is never far away.
I have tried to push myself to face all that I have been avoiding since Melinda’s accident. I’ve avoided her favorite places, the places we visited together, the craftroom we spent hours in together, and so much more. These days I’m trying to visit those places and not lose go crazy. Today I decided to listen to a piece of music Melinda loved. Music has been very difficult for me. It depicts a time of joy,when life was promising. Now it’s just painful. She had chosen this as the song she would walk down the aisle to, but instead it was the last piece of music we played at her funeral. The song, Close Your Eyes, by Michael Buble so perfectly depicts the beautiful soul we shared 20 years with. I listened to it today for the first time since Melinda’s funeral. I nearly lost my mind.
I’m trying to remember without all the disabling pain; I’m trying to remember all the love and happiness we shared with Melinda, but I’m not there yet. Two years and 9 days later, I’m still broken but the world keeps moving on.
If you can listen to the song, please do and think about the kind yet strong soul the song depicts. That is our Melinda. She was strength and beauty, forgiveness and joy, and she is forever loved.