And The Third Year Begins…

Two years and 9 days ago, my beautiful daughter died.   Two years and 9 days ago my world fell apart, and time has changed little.   There are still no days without tears, NOT A SINGLE DAY.  That means I have cried for 739 days consecutively, and there appears to be no end in sight to that.

Yes, I look “better” as I “appear” to be living life, but few know what thoughts run through my head or what pains I feel in every part of my body.  Few know the anxiety that now envelopes my life each day and the terror that overcomes me when I fully realize that we picked out a casket for our girl, stroked her hair and kissed her cold cheek before we put her in the ground, and can’t hold her in my arms.  Few understand the inability to breathe each time I do something with anyone else that I know I can’t do with Melinda.  The feeling that I’m going to lose my mind is never far away.

I have tried to push myself to face all that I have been avoiding since Melinda’s accident.  I’ve avoided her favorite places, the places we visited together, the craftroom we spent hours in together, and so much more.  These days I’m trying to visit those places and not lose go crazy.   Today I decided to listen to a piece of music Melinda loved.  Music has been very difficult for me.  It depicts a time of joy,when life was promising.  Now it’s just painful.  She had chosen this as the song she would walk down the aisle to, but instead it was the last piece of music we played at her funeral.   The song, Close Your Eyes, by Michael Buble so perfectly depicts the beautiful soul we shared 20 years with.   I listened to it today for the first time since Melinda’s funeral.  I nearly lost my mind.

I’m trying to remember without all the disabling pain; I’m trying to remember all the love and happiness we shared with Melinda, but I’m not there yet.   Two years and 9 days later, I’m still broken but the world keeps moving on.

If you can listen to the song, please do and think about the kind yet strong soul the song depicts.  That is our Melinda.  She was strength and beauty, forgiveness and joy, and she is forever loved.

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14 thoughts on “And The Third Year Begins…

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful song I’m sorry it had to be played at her funeral and not her wedding day. Life is so unfair. I lost my daughter on 16th June last year to a horrible disease and I understand your pain (((hugs))) and thank you for sharing your post.

  2. Music can be devastating. It’s moving, and it moves you right to where it hurts most. I feel like a crazy person, sometimes…there I go, doing normal things like everyone else does normal things, but inside I’m crying, I’m wanting the world to know. But the world has its own problems. Only those who’ve lost a child know this, and unfortunately, too many of us do.

    Love and peace to you, friend. xoxoxo

  3. Mira, I have only been able to listen to this song one time since you told me it was Melinda’s favorite song. Time is not a healer; it’s a reminder of who is missing. The ache is beyond words. You know I am always remembering beautiful Melinda and I am here if you need me. ❤️

    • Thank you Dee. You have been such a wonderful support for me, and for that I am both grateful for myself and saddened for you. I made the mistake of thinking I could listen to the song and have good memories of Melinda. Didn’t work. You and Amy are always in my heart. Wishing you peace.

  4. So difficult to listen to, I cried thinking of Melinda. For us it’s been three years and I still can’t listen to any music that Graham played or loved (he was a talented jazz and classical pianist). Everything breaks my heart.
    I do try to find other music to listen to that is not associated with him in any way.
    I think in order to function, I exist in a state of semi-denial. But when I stop and really think – I can barely breathe from the pain. I’m so sorry that you are having to face each day without Melinda.

    • Thank you Jennifer. I too try to find other music, but Melinda loved so many genres that it’s almost impossible to find something that doesn’t remind me of her. Even “new” songs make me think of how she would have loved it or not. Melinda loved to dance, Broadway musicals, and lived her life to music. I would love to be able to do that for her, but I’m just not there yet. Like you, when I really think about my girl, our life now, I feel like I’ll go out of my mind. I’m so very sorry you feel the same. Wishing you peace whenever possible my friend.

  5. Beautiful song. I started to a blog. I’m not a writer. I don’t even know what to write. I lost my 9 year old daughter to cancer 3 months ago. All I think about is Grace. I am in a panic to see her, kiss her, play with her, talk to her. I’m going out of my mind. I hate this club of bereaved moms and dads. I found this blog and will keep reading. Thank you.

    • I am so sorry you know this pain. You are so early on in this journey, and I know it’s impossible to believe right now, but you will learn to breathe again. As I say this, I know I wouldn’t have believed it myself after only 3 months. I can’t tell you the pain goes away, but it does become a part of you so that you stop feeling like you’re going crazy all the time. As for your blog, write whatever you feel. I’ve found it very helpful to just let it all out. Wishing you peace whenever possible and remembering Grace.

      • Thanks. I do feel like I’m going crazy and the pain just gets worse everyday. This is torture. I can barely breath but at the same time I’m scared for the pain to ever change. What does that then mean?

  6. We think it’s our grief that binds us to our children – it isn’t. It’s our love. Our grief is the expression of that deep love; who knew anyone could feel like this? I’m just reaching out to let you know you’re not alone…so many of us out here in tears every day. Wishing you some kind of peace, even for a moment…

  7. Dear Mira,
    My heart bleeds for you. You are experiencing what seems to you an unbearable pain & just about everything will remind you of your beloved Melinda. The pain is consuming at times & very real. It’s then that God & His peace given us often through the help of others, angels if you will, will take that burden. I pray that as you move along these things that haunt you will hopefully become the very things you seek out. They are your connections to your beautiful daughter. Something changes & pain becomes joy, they are so intertwined.
    May God bless & keep you,
    Lee Ann, Brian’s Mom

    • Thank you Lee Ann. I can’t say I’ve found any real peace on this path, and most days I don’t believe it’s possible, but I have learned to daily absorb the pain as it’s part of who I am now. There is no changing that. My days are focused on doing the best I can for Melinda and for my family. I appreciate your kind words. Wishing you peace.

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